A Cautionary List of Gentlemen to Avoid (And the Very Good Reasons Why We Don’t)
In which Lucine advises caution, and readers immediately disregard it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged — and universally ignored — that one should avoid certain types of gentlemen at all costs.
Yet here we are: hearts bruised, reputations in tatters, and diaries suspiciously tear-stained.
In the spirit of public service (and not at all from personal experience, mind you), I offer the following advisory:
1. The Poet Who Lives Entirely on Credit
Warning Signs: Quoted Byron within five minutes. No discernible means of income.
Why You’ll Fall Anyway: He wrote a sonnet about the way you pour tea.
2. The Brooding One with a Mysterious Past
Warning Signs: Owns more horses than shirts. Cannot explain where he was between the hours of midnight and four.
Why You’ll Fall Anyway: You are certain, certain, that your affection will heal his tragic soul. (Spoiler: It will not.)
3. The Dashing Officer
Warning Signs: Terribly handsome in uniform. Missing from half the events he promises to attend. Smells faintly of betrayal.
Why You’ll Fall Anyway: You, too, are not immune to a well-tied cravat and tales of valor.
4. The Man Who Is Technically Betrothed to Someone Else
Warning Signs: His fiancée is mentioned only in passing, usually after two glasses of claret.
Why You’ll Fall Anyway: “It’s complicated.” (It is not. It is disastrously simple.)
5. The Intellectual Who Thinks You’re "An Exception Among Your Sex"
Warning Signs: Commends your wit as if it’s a delightful novelty. Brings up Plato at parties.
Why You’ll Fall Anyway: You laugh, thinking he’s merely awkward. He is not. He is deeply insufferable.
In conclusion, dear reader, I urge you: beware.
And if you cannot beware — at least be well-dressed for your downfall.
There is a great deal of dignity to be salvaged in looking exquisite while making questionable choices.
Faithfully, if not sensibly,
Miss L. E. Watson
Composed on the 26th of April, 1835, whilst awaiting a reply that never came.