The Strategic Deployment of Fans (And Other Weapons of Courtship)
(A Treatise on Flirtation, Subtlety, and Blunt Force Charm)
Once, a fan was a simple accessory.
Now, it is a battle standard, a communication device, and, in extreme cases, a lethal weapon.
Consider:
A slow wave: Come hither, if you dare.
A quick snap closed: You have precisely three seconds to explain yourself.
A fan flutter against the bosom: I might swoon. But not for you, sir.
The Codex of the Fan:
(Compiled by Anonymous Ladies of Discretion and Great Mischief)
Covering one’s face entirely = I see someone at this party I should not like to see me.
Peeking over the top = I see someone I would very much like to see me.
Dropping the fan deliberately = This is an ambush. Prepare yourself accordingly.
Fanning vigorously in one’s suitor’s direction = You are tiresome and also probably sweating.
Slowly tapping the chin with the closed fan = Considering your offer of marriage. Outcome: grim.
Historical Fan Offenses:
The Dual-Engagement Debacle:
A young lady dropped her fan at the feet of two different gentlemen within the same hour.
Both proposed.
(She accepted neither, citing “emotional exhaustion.”)The Accidental Duel Incident:
One careless flick of a fan led to two gentlemen believing they had been promised marriage.
Swords were drawn.
The lady in question married a third man entirely.The “Mistook the Fan Flutter for Indigestion” Scandal:
Tragic. Hilarious. Still whispered about in Charleston.
Other Weapons of Courtship (Secondary Class):
Handkerchief: Best if dropped dramatically. Bonus points if scented with heartbreak.
Glove: If tossed, marriage proposals must follow. (Or lawsuits.)
Eyebrow Raise: Lethal if executed with precision.
In Conclusion:
The next time you see a lady with a fan, know this:
She is not cooling herself.
She is declaring war.
(And heaven help you if you do not understand the terms.)
Drafted on the 23rd of April, 1835, after precisely three too many glances across a ballroom.